First, let me remind you how I feel about the automatic flush sensors. The number one thing I despise the most is that it’s trigger happy. Spend time putting on the toilet seat cover nicely and even, and boom, the slightest movement of your body makes the toilet flush. There goes the toilet cover! Move again and it flushes again. See, it’s trigger happy like it’s on a lot of crack! When you do need it to flush, sometimes it decides not to. The worst part is when it flushes while you’re on the toilet. However, I decided a long time ago that the toilets will not control me anymore. All I have to do is tear off a piece of toilet paper and put it over the sensor. THERE. Can’t flush on me now, trigger happy toilet!

Just last weekend, I was in a big, fancy public bathroom. It blew me away. However, my nice impression of the fancy bathroom immediately went for a nosedive when I tried to wash my hands. I stuck my hand under one of those automatic soap dispensers getting ready for a nice soapy lather, which worked perfectly, thank god. Then, I stuck my hands under an automatic faucet. No water came out. I thought it wasn’t a big deal, and that I’d just try the other faucet. Still no water. WTF? Tried another one, still no water! I waved around under the faucet to get it to get it to flow some damn water. But the faucet ignored me like a snob! I tried another faucet and finally it flowed freely! Four faucets later, I got an exciting super mini Niagara Falls!

How about them automatic paper towel dispensers? Pretty nifty, huh? You just wave your hand in front of it for paper. If you have an extra cool dispenser, a red light will shine back in greeting. OMG, it recognizes your presence! And out comes a nice fresh piece of paper. But what about those times when a red light doesn’t acknowledge your lovely presence? That happened to me today. I waved at the paper towel dispenser. It didn’t flash it’s pretty red light. I waved again. It continued to ignore me. I waved again with my lips scowling. OMFG, come on! I’m waving at you! Here’s the kicker, though. This particular “dispenser” didn’t have a manual way for me to get paper out if it failed to dispense. I had no choice but to either get some toilet paper to dry my hands, which would leave a ton of wet toilet paper pieces on my hands, or wipe my hands on my clothes and look like I splashed all over myself while peeing. I chose the latter and walked out of there defeated.

Death to the controlling automatic bathroom crap!

1:40pm: Took the iPhone out of it’s peaceful coffin and blew off all the rice dust.  Put in the SIM card, turned on iPhone. Apple logo came up!!! I feel hopeful!

Uh oh, the Apple logo is STILL on….*losing hope.*

1:41: iPhone home page came up!!! At this point my body can feel every ounce of excitement.

1:42: Oh boy, a lot of text messages poured in. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and so on. Many more due to Thanksgiving greetings. Oh they keep coming!!! Note to self: never break your iPhone during a holiday.

1:45: Clicked on Mail to see if email works. Email loaded and it was a SUCCESS!

Now the question is, can I click the home button and will it work?! It did not work when it was wet. I’ll click it now. OMG it works! (Yes, I’m a dork, April.)

1:45: Opened safari web browser. LOADED! Keyed in www.google.com. LOADED!

1:46: Stared at the iPhone in amazement. Then, grabbed the rice coffin and kissed it all over.

1:47: Clicked on iPod. Clicked on shuffle. Sounded good!

But, I am hard of hearing, so I’ll ask a hearing person tonight if the speakers don’t sound like there’s water sloshing around in the background!

1:48: Clicked on Facebook application. Looks good. I see someone’s status saying all hail the iPhone.  Amen.

Checked other bazillion applications. All good!

Uh oh!  A song on the ipod just skipped. Probably just that song.

2:00: About to make a phone call to see if it works.

2:20: Phone call worked just fine! My voice and the other party voice had no water sloshing sounds!

2:27: Clicked on photos, all my photos are still there!

DUDES AND DUDETTES – RICE COFFIN REALLY WORKED! RESURRECTION SUCCESSFUL.

So far, that is.

2:53: Oh boy. Battery life possibly compromised. So far it’s depleted more than 1/4 of it’s life. This isn’t normal, according to my memory of how long the iPhone battery life lasts based on usage.

NOVEMBER 29, 2008

7:45am (yes early, because it’s hard to sleep in!): Battery life did look like it was depleting fast yesterday afternoon, but it was a fluke. Somehow, the battery life icon bar suddenly went back to full.   Now, I just checked the iPhone and it’s got a little more than 1/4 of life left, and I didn’t even charge it overnight. FABULOUS!

RICE IS MAGIC!

NOVEMBER 30, 2008

10:37am: iPhone still works just fine.  I consider this a case closed, and consider it a lesson learned. No more tea, water, iPhone, and pen party. I shall move my water and tea elsewhere because that spot is MY iPHONE SPOT WHERE SIGNAL IS LOVINGLY RECEIVED.

Case closed! Experiment successful! Get rice if your iPhone falls into the ocean, falls into a bubble bath, or if you just plain silly spilled your drink all over it.

Oops. I did it again.

Just a few weeks ago, I cracked your screen by dropping you in a drunken stupor. Although you looked all ghetto, you still worked just fine.  But, I was afraid you’d cut my fingers somehow with your cracked screen, so I shelled out another $200 to replace you.

Not even two weeks old, I’ve already abused you again. At work, I always placed you on a specific spot on my desk, because that was one of the best places you receive love from the towers – a signal. You could also say I’m addicted to you, and I like to know when I’m loved by a call, text, or email. However, I must be really stupid, because I also place my green tea and water right next to you. Everyday! It’s like a party in that spot: iPhone, green tea, water, and pens.

You see where this is going?  Yep, I somehow knocked over the green tea into your direction, and it spilled all over you. My eyes widened in shock and I gasped. I even think I stopped breathing for a couple of moments. Then, I quickly ran to the bathroom to get a wad of paper towels, ran right back to you and started frantically drying you up. All the while, I was hoping you wouldn’t leave me for the heaven of broken gadgets again.

Imagine my relief when your screen was still vivid, showing every sign of life. But then, you started to spazz out by flickering. Then, you decided to take revenge on me for the abuse by making the home button stop working.  OH WHY, WHY?!  I tried to turn you off to prevent further damage, but you wouldn’t budge. It’s like you wanted to stay on and torture me into a slow cell phone death. The Apple logo kept coming on and off, and you flickered like an eerie haunted movie. So I stuffed you in some tissues to dry out FACE DOWN, while you spazzed out all you wanted. Finally, your battery gave out. HA.

I frantically googled ideas to get you back to life from water damage.  Many sources said to put your wet self in a box of rice for two days. So, when I got home, I poured rice into a tupperware and stuffed you right in.  It’s like you’re in a coffin. I’m staring at you in sadness, sad because of our domestic violence.

There’s so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. You know how you could make me thankful for you more than you already have? If you emerge from your rice coffin VAMPIRE STYLE, alive and pumping! And I’ll try so hard not to abuse you again, if you try to not be so wussy.

Love,
Your addicted owner

The makers of Wii Fit must really value privacy:

The first thing Wii Fit made me do was test my balance, BMI, weight, and calculate a “Wii Age.”  At first, the Wii Fit weighed me at a nice 13 pounds lighter than I really am. I knew something had to be wrong. Nice try, Wii Fit, trying to flatter me already!  It turned out that the extensions have to be attached on the underside of the Wii Fit balance board.  After attaching the extensions, Wii Fit weighed me at my accurate weight – dammit.  I had hope there, just for a second!

What’s hilarious is the fact that when the Wii Fit weighed me 13 pounds lighter, my Wii Fit age was 31.

After the weight corrected to the heavier side, my Wii Fit age turned out to be 25!! 

Being chubbier brings on youth!?  I swear that thing is on crack. How dare the Wii Fit try to convince me that gaining more weight brings on younger age? I ain’t falling for that crap. I’ve only spent about 15 minutes on it, and I’m already wincing going up the stairs or trying to squat to sit on the toilet! Sure, I totally feel 25, baby.

Anyway,  your Wii Fit age is supposed to change as time goes on, when more exercises are completed.  Personally, I think the Wii Fit age is useless, but the weight, BMI, balance test, and so forth are fun to keep track of. And hell, if your legs are shakin’ and hurtin’ like mine do right now, you’re definitely getting a work out, regardless of whatever your Wii Fit age is.

One of the things I love about Wii Fit so far is the reward system. Credits are accumulated for each minute of exercise. After a certain amount of credits, a new game unlocks. For me, this keeps things a bit fun.  I never know what the Wii Fit is going to surprise me with.

Another thing I love is how the personal trainer actually encourages me.  “Good job, Sazzy!”  “You have great posture!”  “You did well!”  Too bad the trainer isn’t a real life dude, because, dude, he’s pretty hot for a Wii character. You can pick a female trainer, if you’d like, though.

It’s fun to see other Miis from my household and friends in the Wii Fit games with me. For example, in the hula hoop exercise, Shah and Jeff are throwing me the hoops. Or Erick is kicking me a shoe in the soccer exercise. Wii Fit would be even cooler if it had the ability to connect with other Wii Fit users.

The only thing I don’t like about Wii Fit so far is how the trainer uses the same hand gesture often when he’s talking. It makes me want to cut his arm off, or at least teach him some new gestures. Jeff has declared that he doesn’t notice the gestures because he’s too busy looking at the female trainer’s boobs.

All I’ve done so far is the hula hoop (KILLS YOUR THIGHS!), ski jump, skiing (KILLS YOUR LEGS, MAN!), a little bit of yoga training, and the lunges. More to come! Watch out Wii Fit, I’ll be 19 in no time!

(Madonna pic isn’t mine. No idea who it belongs to.)

Get this – I have boobs! When the Wii Fit asked me my height, my Mii turned sideways.  OH. MY. GOD. I saw boobs, pointy ones mini-Madonna style!  All this time I’ve been playing different games on the Wii, I have never ever noticed boobs on my character. Just look at that! Pointy boobs! Isn’t it incredible?  Yes, I’m a woooooman.  W-O-M-A-N!

All in all, Wii Fit is a good investment if you hate to walk just a measly 50 steps to the gym across the street.

First, I dropped the faithful TV remote control on my laptop’s keyboard, which caused #6 to fly off and land under my coffee table.

A week later in Arizona, I had my laptop propped up on the dashboard of the rental car while I was reaching in the backseat for something. The Human-Geek suddenly accelerated, and my laptop fell to the passenger floor.  The “Z” flew off, and still is MIA to this day.

Just recently, my iPhone screen cracked. Yeah, yeah, it’s my fault.  I dropped the iPhone, which was secured with a hard case, but the case broke in half.  An hour later, I dropped the iPhone again, without the case since it was broken.

I went to the Apple store and tried to sway them into thinking the damage could be covered by the warranty, but har har.  Obviously, this is accidental.  Morale: don’t carry around an iPhone if you’ve had a few drinks with friends that make you jolly.  If you do, make sure your iPhone is secured with a silicone case, not a hard one. Silicone, baby.

The last time one of my toys got ruined was in 2006, when I ran across Telegraph Avenue in Berkeley, California. My sidekick phone flew out of my sweater pocket and landed on the street. Of course, because I’m deaf, I didn’t hear it fall. Besides, would a hearing person have? It was a busy and loud road. Later, I realized I couldn’t find my phone so I retraced all my steps. After lots of hunting, I found it on the street…SMASHED.  That was funny.