Butt cold! Winter tips

Dec 08, 2009

Okay, it’s now my 4th winter living out here.  I’ve some comments to make.  Yes, I’m still learning!!

1. Never, ever brush the snow off your car hood to the left. Go from left to right towards the trunk!! But if you’re left handed, switch! If you don’t follow this, snow ends up on your legs and feet.

2. ALWAYS brush off the snow on your car when it stops snowing or intermittently. Otherwise, you’ll be scraping ice off for hours like the poor handsome guy outside that I passed the day after it snowed. I could hear him grunting while driving by!  Not only would this rule save your body some pain, but it would also prevent innocent drivers behind you getting your hard, iced up snow missiles while driving 70mph on the freeway! (Thanks to CK for the “snow missile” phrase! Good one!)

3. Uggs are not waterproof. Sink them into slushy snow and dammit you’ve gone and wasted 200 bucks worth of sheepskin.

4. If you’re going to take the metro, be absolutely prepared to wait a half hour because of potential stupid ass delays that cause frostbite on your feet. Dress appropriaty. Hell, better yet, bring a small carry on of major goodies as if you were an Alaskan just as a precaution. An eskimo jacket rolled up, feet warmers, iPhone gloves (because you know waiting a half hour without checking your phone is a sin and thus, without this, your hands become utterly frozen.  You’d have no one to blame but mother nature, oops I mean yourself), earmuffs, a good fleece hat, butt warming pads, and I don’t know, a warm handsome guy to hug you when you’re busy whining like a kid who’s parents won’t buy them candy or the new zhu zhu hamsters that kids are crazing over right now.  Oh, and did I mention thermal pants? And uggs that aren’t destroyed by stupid slushy snow.  I guess all this wouldn’t really fit in a duffel carry on. All this shit would require a huge suitcase that some airline would charge $100 for baggage, but dudes so worth it.  Oh my gosh, please do not forget the Valium for when you’re so positvely fuming about why you left California in the first place to a godforsaken place that snows. Otherwise, you might be tempted to jump down onto the tracks and yell at the next train, “Kill me please!!”  When you finally reach your destination and go to the nearest Starbucks, get a hot green tea!   While you’re still orgasming from the warm tea in your hands, go ahead and take your shoes and socks off and put the tea on your feet, too!  Who cares who looks at you strangely, because well, who cares! Oh and by the way, I asked for green tea, but after a while I realized I’d been drinking Zen. What, was it really written all over my face that I’m pissed at myself for dressing like a stupid Californian in Washington DC!!??

5. Last but definitely NOT least, don’t ever get your tubs reglazed (refinished) in snowy weather with temperatures below 35. Just don’t, okay? KTHXBAI.

Oh, and on another note: think twice before buying the zhu zhu hamsters.

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